What Is The Sanctuary of Fragility?

 The Sanctuary of Fragility Podcast EP.1 What Is The Sanctuary of Fragility? 

               Hello. First, I have to tell you something. My English is almost zero. Everything I learned before is already gone. I gave it all back to my teacher.

               What does “I gave it all back to my teacher” mean? 

               It is a joke we use in my country. When we forget what we learned, we say, “I gave it all back to my teacher.” So, if my English is too bad for you to handle, you can read the text instead. I will write down everything I say. 

               Still, I want to speak to you with my own voice. Even if I pronounce some words wrong. So, if you tell me, “You said that wrong,” or “Your pronunciation is not right,” I will nod and say,  “Yes, you are right. I will try to fix it.” 

               So, I may have to ask you to take your time, and try to understand what I want to say, little by little. Thank you in advance for being kind enough to listen without judging me too soon. 

               There was a time in my life when things were really hard. I felt so lonely. It felt like I had many people around me, but somehow, I had no one. 

               It is true that we may have friends and family. But that does not mean we can always share our vulnerable side with them. 

               Maybe it is because we have responsibilities. 

               Maybe it is too personal. 

               Maybe we do not want to put something so heavy on someone else. 

               Maybe we feel like no one can understand it. 

               Or maybe there are other reasons. 

               Everyone has their own reasons to keep their vulnerable side to themselves. And I do too. 

               Even with many people around me, I still felt so lonely. It was a really hard time. I was sinking. I could not even cry. Everything was stuck inside me. I tried to keep my feelings inside, but there was always more.  Maybe it was because I had been keeping my feelings inside for many years. And finally, I realized that a heart has limited space. 

               And during that lonely time, I started writing songs. I started turning them into songs with SUNO, and then I listened to them… 

               The moment I listened to them… it felt like I was hearing the same language. The same voice that was inside me. My feelings started to calm down.  

               Maybe part of it was because I could let it out through music. But I cannot deny that another part of it was because I felt like I was hearing the same language through my own songs. It felt like the pressure in the song finally matched the pressure inside me. 

               Maybe it felt like… I was not alone, in some way. Like there was at least one more voice that felt the same way. 

               At that point, I realized that the scariest thing in that kind of moment was loneliness. The kind of loneliness that you cannot make anyone understand. Even if you tell someone about it, even someone right in front of you, they still cannot really understand. 

               Maybe it is like seeing someone get punched. You know it hurts. But if you have never been punched, you still do not know what it really feels like, how much it hurts, or what kind of pain comes after that. When someone who got punched tells you about it, you can only nod and say, “Okay, I know it hurts.” But you cannot understand more than that, because you are not the one who took that punch.  

               That is what I mean. Even if you try to explain it, you cannot make the other person really understand. Or maybe they take it the wrong way. Or maybe you feel like you are putting something heavy on someone else. 

               So you stop talking about it, and you stay alone with it. But when you do that, you sink even deeper. 

               You can only sit with that loneliness. Communication feels useless. And little by little, you fall apart. 

               It really hurts. 

               There may be many people around you, but even when you try to speak, you still cannot make anyone really understand. Or sometimes, you cannot even say it to anyone. You can only keep it inside. 

               But this is important. I want to make this clear. I am not saying anyone is right or wrong.  

               We all have different life experiences. It is not wrong if someone cannot understand. But it is also not wrong if we feel hurt because no one understands us. 

               I am not alone in this world.  And I do not think I am the only one who has felt this way. There must be many people who have gone through hard times like this too. 

               And I will not say that I understand. 

               To me, each person’s story is something only they can truly know. And only the person who carries it knows how heavy it is. I may not be able to understand. And I may not be able to carry that weight with you. But still, it can be a really painful time. 

               Back then, songs that felt close to my own experience helped me a little. At least, it felt like I found the same language. A language that said, “You are not alone.”

               So, at the very least, I want my songs to be with you, if they can help you even a little. If you listen to them and feel a little less lonely, I want my songs to sit beside you and stay with you. Even if songs cannot solve anything. Even if songs cannot do anything at all. 

               Please let my songs listen to you and stay beside you on the days when you cannot make the world understand. 

               I feel like it is a little hard to explain. 

               As one fragile and weak person, I just want to tell someone who feels fragile and weak, “I am here too.” 

               I do not know if that can help you feel a little less lonely. 

               It can be a hard time. And sometimes, you cannot make anyone understand. I hope seeing someone fragile like me can help you feel a little less lonely. Please let my songs stay with you. 

               So, after all of that, I want this place to be something that stays beside you. Especially when you feel like you cannot say anything to anyone, and you feel lonely. When you look around and cannot find a place where you belong. If you can still see this place, please let us stay beside you. 

               I know many of my songs are quite heavy. They are not something you can listen to all the time. So they may not be something that stays with you all the time. But in some moments, please let us be with you. Please let us be with you in your fragile moments. 

               That is what The Sanctuary of Fragility means to me. 

               Actually, let me add a funny little story. 

               To be honest, you may notice that I try to avoid saying “The Sanctuary of Fragility.” I mean, I do want to say it. Because it sounds much cooler.  But… yes. I cannot pronounce the word “fragility.” 

               When I test my pronunciation, it becomes “fertility,” or “facility,” instead. Or sometimes, it goes even further than that. No matter how many times I test it, my pronunciation score is only around 60 percent. And the meanings of those words are just…  haah… 

               So, when I say it, what word do you hear?  

               Or do you hear something even worse? 

               I hope one day I can say the name of my own sanctuary smoothly. But right now, I cannot. So whatever. I still cannot do it. 

               You may be wondering, “If you gave all your English back to your teacher, then what are you speaking right now?”  

               I use AI as a smart dictionary to help me translate the script I wrote. And I try to adapt it to match what I really want to say. I put a lot of care into this adaptation, because I really want to communicate with you. I hope you can understand me, at least a little.  

               Oh, I think I forgot to introduce myself. Well, here, you can call me TSOF or The Teasoft Cat.

               This episode is already very long.  I will see you again next time. Bye-bye. 

Message from The TeaSoft Cat

               If I had to sum it up, it is basically someone swallowing too much of what they feel, until it becomes too much to hold inside, and then they start puking those feelings out as lyrics. So I used the lyrics to generate a song, trying to get it as close to that feeling as possible. The prompts I used did not reference any artists or famous songs. 

               I sat with it and listened, and I felt okay. My feelings did not sink any deeper. So I thought, “Okay, this might work,” and I put it out there. Maybe it could help someone else too. Also, it helps fund more music, snacks, and cat treats. 

               I get it. Many people see AI music as soulless. I will not argue with that, because I have fought with it a lot. Making it even 50 percent decent nearly killed me. 

               AI music may not have a soul, but the lyrics are the pain I have carried my whole life, in most of the songs, anyway. So I think there is at least some soul in there. 

               I do not know if I write lyrics well enough, but I put as much effort into them as I could. If they are not good enough yet, then they are not good enough yet. That is just how it is. I will keep trying to make them better. 

               As for turning it into a song, I am sorry, but I do not have the budget to hire someone to make the music. If you ask me to sing, well, I cannot sing. As the podcast already proved, even my pronunciation is a disaster. If I sang, people might not survive. At least the AI sings better than I do. 

If this project grows enough and I have the budget for it, maybe there will be a version sung by a real person someday.